Willyo’s posties- fun emails i have recieved
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Now over the last few years(more like twenty!) I have recieved so many funny emails that have made me laff that I thought I’d share a few with ya’ll- actually i am having a writers block today, and this is an easy way to post a new page.Yes, I know, can you say LAZY?
Thought y’all should read this in case you’re
thinking of installing an electric fence!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a
few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in
the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an
electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made; for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet
> into the ground.
> > The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in
> the ground, the
> > better the fence works.
> > One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo
> Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel
> > push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in
> the yard. I knew
> > for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the
> mower around the
> > wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of
> the way. It seems
> > as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after
> > Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running
> lawnmower in my right
> > hand and the 1.7 giga volt fence wire in the other
> hand. Keep in mind
> > the charger is about the size of a marine battery and
> has a picture of
> > an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood
> still. The first
> > thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the
> front side of my
> > body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
> lawnmower ignition
> > firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
> Briggs & Stratton
> > rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
> literally at one
> > with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger
> and the POS
> > lawnmower were fighting over who would control my
> electrical impulses.
> > Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same
> time. I beg to
> > differ. Not only did I do all three at once but my
> bowels emptied 3
> > different times in less than half of a second. It was
> a Matrix kind of
> > bowel movement, where time is creeping along and
> you’re all leaned
> > back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.
> It seemed like
> > there were minutes in between but in reality it was so
> close together
> > it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
> turning 8 grand.
> > At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2
> seconds) into holding onto
> > the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire
> palm down so I
> > can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all
> about electric
> > fences… but Dad always had those POS chargers made
> by International
> > or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
> tickled. This I could
> > not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
> accepting signals
> > from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
> > At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have
> to just man up and take
> > it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
> ‘Damn!,’ I think, as I
> > remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is
> starting to run
> > rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if
> it had some kind
> > of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee,
> jizz, and with
> > my balls on my chest I think ‘Oh God, please
> die… pleeeeze die’. But
> > nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle
> nicely and remains
> > there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting
> for the go command
> > from its owner’s right foot.
> > So, here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees,
> 80% humidity,
> > standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.
> God did not take
> > me that day, he left me there covered in my own fluids
> to writhe in
> > the misery my own stupidity had created.
> > I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the
> wire….I woke up
> > laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was
> beside me, out of
> > gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
> There were two
> > large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
> then another
> > long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I
> was on the ground
> > still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
> seizure and in the
> > resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
> Upon waking from
> > my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
> > 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
> > 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my
> right butt cheek
> > (not the left, just the right).
> > 3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do
> not smell as bad
> > as you might think.
> > 4- My left eye will not open.
> > 5- My right eye will not close.
> > 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now.
> Seriously! I think our
> > little session cleared out some carbon fouling or
> something, because
> > it was better than new after that.
> > 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they
> are almost a foot
> > long.
> > 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting
> while thinking of
> > the number 4 (still don’t understand this?)
> > That day changed my life. I now have a newfound
> respect for things. I
> > appreciate the little things more, and now I always
> double check to
> > make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
> > The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come
> over the fence, I
> > can clearly visualize what my security system will do
> to him, and THAT
> > gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also
> reminds me to
> > triple check before I mow.
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all blood shot. They said, ‘Man, what happened to you?’
He said, ‘Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.’
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, ‘You look awful!’
He said, ‘Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.’
The thir d night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
‘Good morning,’ he said.
They couldn’t believe it! They said, ‘Man, what happened?’
He said, ‘Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night.’
Even if you don’t own a dog at present, you’ll appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!
*Dog For Sale
* Free to good home
* Excellent guard dog.
* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters
left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
* Most of them knew him as Holy Shit.
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome (This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ — that will bring on a ‘whatever’.)
(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!
(9) Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response, refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Old Is When…
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs
and make love,’ and you answer,
‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
‘OLD’ IS WHEN..
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You don’t care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don’t have to go along.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You’re not sure if these are jokes
WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’ Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against he r parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.
Crock O. Schitt
Deep in the back woods, of Floyd County, Kentucky, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!’
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. ‘Whoa there’, said the doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s another one coming.’
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. ‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’ said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby ‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . .
‘You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?’
<img src=”https://willyobiker.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/hillbillies.gif” alt=”hillbillies” title=”hillbillies” width=”96″ height=”88″ class=”alignnone size-full wp-image-230″ /
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.’
‘Oh, really? Darn it!’ said the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..’
‘Well, now, not so fast,’ said the cop. ‘Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’
‘Oh, no, no’, said the old lady. ‘You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’ So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners.
Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’ ‘
‘Well, that seems only fair.’ said the cop, laughing. ‘OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?’
‘Well, you know’, said the little old lady, ‘Not everybody pays
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in Texas. Ray had
always wanted a pair of authentic Cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into
the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again,
he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”
Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s so different? It’s hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again
Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN,
BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY
To which Bessie replies, “Should a bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi , was going up to bed,
when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ He said ‘No.’
Then they said ‘All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an
officer will be along when one is available.’ George said, ‘Okay.’ He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
‘Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now
because I just shot them.’ and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’
George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’
and lastly this little gem-
A woman from Austin , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased several acres of Hill Country land, near Lake Travis , Texas . There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall imbedded several splinters of wood in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away. She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter, and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, ‘What took you so long?’
He smiled and said, ‘Well, I had to get permits from US Environmental Service, the Texas Parks and Wildlife, and Keep Texas Beautiful before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I’m sorry, but they turned me down.’
sorry-just 1 more
> A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
> over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him
> a partial sponge bath.
> ‘Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’
> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here
> to wash your upper body and feet.’
> He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
> Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
> worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
> back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and
> his testicles in the other.
> Then, she takes a close look and says, There’s nothing wrong with them,
> The man pulls off his oxygen mask , smiles at her and says very
> slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
> very closely……
> A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?
and lastly(i promise) this one-
Methodist Dinner for Eight.
A group of country friends from the Bluffton Methodist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts – Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
So Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband, ‘No mushrooms — they are too high.’ He said, ‘Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.’
She said, ‘No, some wild mushrooms are poison.’
He said, ‘Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.’
So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch — washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful . Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a lady from town to help her serve. She even had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Mexican dominoes. About then, the lady from town came in and whispered in Janet’s ear. She said, ‘Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot just died.’
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, ‘That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.’
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, ‘I think everything will be fine now,’ and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the lady came in and said, ‘You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped
And I guess that about does it in the humor dept.
Right now, in Big Bend it’s dryer than a popcorn fart,colder than a witches t-t on the shady side of the moon, an I’m as busy as a mosquito at a nudist colony! REAL cold here with a 25% humidity in the house(thanks to the wood stove), so even 70f feels like 40. Tough at this time of year to gather enough DRY firewood to last 2 weeks, if it aint rainin’ it’s snowin’ and too cold to dry out the wood. Yeah I know, I know, I shoulda been gatherin firewood fer the winter instead of all the campfires and bonfires in the summer. But what fun! all the cookouts and beer blasts of the warmer months are just a good memory. But, cheer up, only 80 days till april!(did i mention I am an optimist?) Feel like polishin’ the geezer glide for a spring ride, but too cold in the shed.
At least I only have to carry the wood up 20 steps,(optimism again) but when i think of all the trees that go into heating the house, make me feel like I’m in the timber business. And I like trees.
well thats about all the complainin’ i can stand for a night- see ya’ll on the downhill! Later. And dont forget to comment, or the duck gets it!
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