The lighter side of the downslide or is the economy a joke
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I decided to run this one again as it seems like I just wrote it yesyerday although I first wrote it in Febuary of 2009 and i say again to all the OBAMA supporters, how ya like the change so far??
I know and you know the economy is no joke, but with the winter winding down and spring coming(not too soon either!) I am feelin’ pretty good and am trying to keep my spirits up. Soooo……..I began a search through all my old saved emails, internet favorites and surfing around lookin’ for some ECONOMIC HUMOR ….I mean there HAS to be something to smile about, does’nt there?
An economist is someone who didn’t have enough personality to become an accountant
They say that Christopher Columbus was the first economist. When he left to discover America, he didn’t know where he was going. When he got there he didn’t know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies “Four.” The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.” Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The accountant says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.” Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the market will take care of it.
ON SELF DEFENCE
1. Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him ‘Why do you carry a 45?’
The Ranger responded, ‘Because they don’t make a 46.’
6. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. ‘Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?’
‘No Ma’am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.’
7. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
But wait, there’s more!
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said ‘Well I certainly hope it isn’t loaded!’
To which I said, “Of course it is loaded, can’t work without bullets!’
She then asked, ‘Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?’
My reply was, ‘No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.’ To which I’ll add, having a gun in the house that isn’t loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an economist?
A: An offer you can’t understand.
“I liked high gas prices. I mean, you could fill up your tank and double the value of your car.”
Q. What’s the difference between a pigeon and an investment banker?
A. A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
Q. What’s the difference between an investment banker and a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas?
A. A tie
Q. What does AIG stand for?
A. American Innocence and Greed.
I have spent many minutes of valuable brain energy working out how to solve America’s economic problems, and now would like to share them with you.
Just follow these 10 steps to recover the dollar.
1) Adopt the Euro. At 1.6 dollars to the Euro, that’s point-six extra dollars we have to print. And paper costs money. Besides, the one economy this hurts most is Europe because they can’t sell their extra stuff. They’re stuck with buying our stuff because it’s cheaper. Which hurts us, because everybody knows that the person with the most stuff wins.
2) Invade Iran. Okay. The other two invasions aren’t working. By invading Iran, we can supplement our loss of Iraqi oil by expropriating Iranian oil. The terrorists will be too busy blowing up Iraqi oil refineries to notice.
3) Make Afghanistan the 51st state. That Karzai thing just isn’t working. All the people there have this weird religion where they have to pray five times a day, can’t eat bacon or drink whisky, they have to wear scratchy beards, cover their women with table sheets and can’t watch porn. And we wonder why they’re so cranky they blow themselves up. If I had to live like that, I’d explode, too. By making Afghanistan the 51st state, we can sell them “Playboys.” Problem solved.
4) Nuke the Arctic. Then point giant air conditioners at it. When the Arctic refreezes into giant blocks of ice, it will reverse global warming.
5) Put Saddam Hussein back in charge of Iraq. He’s the only one who’s kept the place from turning into Dodge City. Huh? What’s that? I’ll read your e-mail as soon as I finish this.
6) Replace the national Eagle symbol with a fish. As the Eagle is endangered, we can’t kill and eat Eagles any more. And we will always have enough fish.
7) Decide the next presidential election by making Hillary, Barack and McCain play paper-scissors-rock. We’ll save a whole lot of money that way.
8) Better yet, make Harrison Ford president. He was kickin’ in “Air Force One.” If Harrison Ford becomes president the first thing he’d do is go to Berserkistan or somewhere to find Osama bin Ladin and kick his butt.
9) Stop turning our corn into bio-fuel. We keep telling Africa that help is on the way while we Marie Antoinettes drive our big fat SUVs a half mile to Piggly-Wiggly’s to buy Sugar Sodas and Pork Rinds. Use rice for bio-fuel. There’s plenty of that.
10) Genetically engineer big giant hamsters.
Bush Calls For Panic
WASHINGTON—In a nationally televised address to the American people Wednesday night, President Bush called upon every man, woman, and child to spiral uncontrollably downward into complete and utter panic.
Speaking from the Oval Office, Bush assured citizens that in these times of great uncertainty, the best and only course of action is to come under the throes of a sudden, overwhelming fear marked by hysterical or irrational behavior.
“My fellow Americans, the time for running aimlessly through streets while shrieking and waving our arms above our heads is now,” Bush said. “I understand that many of you are worried about your economic future and our situation overseas, and you have every right to be. Yet there is only one thing we as a nation can do in times like these: give up all hope and devolve into a lawless, post-apocalyptic, every-man-for-himself society.”
Are You a Republican, Democrat, or Southerner?
The answer can be found by answering the following question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 calibre, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click “Damn! I’m out!”
Daughter: “Nice pattern Daddy! Were those the Silver Tips, black talons, or them new Hollow Points?”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one Daddy?”
Wife: “You ain’t takin’ THAT to no Taxidermist!”
As you all know, the BIG Febuary givaway is still on! Leave a comment and request a pic, and ZIP! I will send you either a pic of ME on the tractor, or ME and the (damn) Duck.“The duck TRULY is in mortal peril!