The future is here!
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Member thinkin’ what will the future hold? I do. Well it(the future)is here, NOW! In WV, from the “barbie doll ban” to manditory drug testing to collect unemployment benefits, food stamps, get any job and of course, welfare to the stupid bid by clay county to tax unminable coal on private land. Wake up West Virginia! All America is laughin” at us! So here goes- My nonsensicle take on “modern” life.
I GUESS THIS WAS SENT AS A JOKE BUT IT MAKES YOU WONDER.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in
the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,
formerly known as California
White minorities still trying to have English
recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will
take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases
to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken
over by Jamaica. No other country comes
forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third
consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a
fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her
Abortion clinics now available in every High
School in United States.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is
selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only
open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates
their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Recipie corner- Cream of Garlic soup- N-joy!
This has become one of the signature dishes at Chef Susan Spicer’s wonderful
French Quarter restaurant Bayona. As far as I know, it’s never been off the
menu. It’s been a hot seller both at the restaurant and at Chef Spicer’s
Spice, Inc. Good reason, too … it’s fabulous.
2 pounds onions, peeled and roughly chopped
2 cups garlic, peeled and chopped
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons butter
1.5 quarts chicken stock
1 bouquet garni (parsley stems, thyme sprigs and bay leaf, tied together)
2 cups stale French bread, torn into 1/2″ pieces
1 cup half and half (or 1/2 cup whole milk with 1/2 cup heavy cream)
In a 4-quart, heavy-bottomed pot, sauté the onions and garlic in the butter
and oil. Stir frequently over low to medium heat until the onions are a deep
golden brown, about 30 minutes. Add the chicken broth and bouquet garni and
bring to a boil. Stir in the bread cubes and simmer for 10 minutes, until the
bread is soft. Remove the bouquet garni and purée the soup in a blender,
carefully! Remember that hot liquids can splash up in a blender; you can use
one of those hand-held blenders and purée it right in the pot if you like.
Strain the soup through a medium strainer, reheat and whisk in more chicken
broth if the soup is too thick for your taste. Add the half and half, then
season to taste with salt and pepper.
YIELD: 8 servings
A widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
She opened the door and much to her dismay, was a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair because he had no arms or legs.
Taken back the old woman said,
“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? . . . .
Just look at you … you have no legs”!
The old man ! smiled as he said, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the old man replied with a big smile, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
The old lady, folded her arms across her bosom,
took a step back as she raised an eyebrow and asked with a mocking smile,
“Ah!, but are you still good in bed”???
The old man leaned back, with a twinkle in his eye, he beamed an even bigger smile and said,
“Rang the doorbell didn’t I”?
[BUZZ TONE, BUZZ TONE]
This is a test of the Emergency Alert System, formally known as the Emergency Broadcast System (until it was killed off with the rest of Civil Defense in the 90s). This is only a test.
This station in “voluntary” cooperation (yeah, since we’d like to keep our broadcasting license) with the FCC and local authorities have conducted this test to help justify the billions in tax dollars we spend every month in the Dept of Homeland Security.
In the event of an actual emergency, you would have heard even more of that irritating and piercing tone – like something we never updated since the 50s – continuing on for sooooooo long it’s doubtful you’d stay tuned long enough to hear anything useful or up to date anwyay. You’ll probably be better informed by some other source, such as the internet, that is until we take that over too, and give you a lame Department of Homeland Security Graphic like in the TV show Jericho on CBS, devoid of any actual information or instructions that would be useful to you.
Had this been an actual emergency other than weather, (the NOAA system actually works very well) you would have probably been instructed to go into your bomb shelter, which we officially stopped encouraging you to build, and have given you no guidance as to how to build since the 50s, and to live off your weeks supply of food and water which we didn’t tell you to store, until FEMA can get to you, which may be weeks or never since it took 5 days to get water to the Superdome after Katrina in New Orleans, even with days of warning. Don’t worry about us though, we’ll be safe deep in our secret government bunkers, in case you’re concerned.
This concludes this test, of the Emergency Alert System. Thank you for your cooperation, as if you had a choice. We’ll let you know you’re screwed, long after you are, officially, in case you can’t figure that out on your own.
A little article I wrote a few months ago but forgot about;
A comparison – walmart n a country store
The Walmart has a miriad of ………stuff to eat almost none really good for ya
from the eggs laid by genetically modified hens to spinach grown in panama to the leather goods made by child labor in china. And for this, ya get (at least where I am in WV)to travel 60 or more miles!
WAKE UP people! Why not shop locally? Almost eveyone in my section of the state(WV) has a good “country store” or what i like to call a “mini wally world” I have at least two very close(one in fact, is across the street) say within 10 miles, or so.
From hunting and fishing licences, ammo and rods n reels, guns, bows, even targets. Clothing, housewares, automotive supplies, hardware, home maintainence, man, even the food section is fully fitted out- from antacids to zebra meat, your country store has it all!(well, maybe not zebra meat!) And the county store has veggies grown locally or maybe the next state, same with the meats, cheeses, milk and eggs in the country store probably NONE of the edibles on the shelf or the refridgerated section is grown in the USA, nothing comes from those exotic countrys like Canada, nova scotia or even alsaka and certainly no food comes from china or panama.
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?” The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass in the morning, they’re pregnant. If they’re in the mud, they’re not.”
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”
Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wa it for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’
Redneck word of the day : “OBAMA”
BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!
‘Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?’
‘Yes. What can I do for you?’
‘I’m calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith …He’s hiding’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hiding it there.’
‘Thank you very much for the call, sir.’
The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.
‘Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd….Did the Sheriffs come?’
‘Did they chop your firewood?’
‘Happy Birthday, buddy!’
It was reported that the Big Eared One’s little wife said she was going to grow vegetables in the White House garden, okra, collards, etc. One can wonder if the proposed new federal Food Safety Modernization Act of 2009 (HR 875) will allow such. Under the new law the federal government will regulate food production at all levels with fines for violations of up the $1 million/day regardless of the size of the farm or business. It was noted that there is no new enforcement of food safety for items produced in China, Mexico, Haiti, etc. Also, lest one forget the US FDA knew about the filthy conditions at the peanut butter processing plant in Georgia and destroyed the samples that had been sent to them. Of course when enterprises are shut down in America, foreigners are more than willing to “take up the slack”. Of course in third world countries there are no pesky OSHA inspectors, restrictions on pesticides, hormones and sanitation guidelines.
In addition there is the “Food Safety and Tracking Improvement Act” (SB 425) which gives the federales even more control with an obvious plan to eliminate all “non-corporate” farms, farm markets, etc. Congress critter Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn) is the wife of Stanley Greenberg of the Monsanto Corp. and she is promoting the house bill.
Not so long back at a fundraiser in a nearby state the inspectors came in & noticed that the pies had been baked by some of the women in the community. The inspectors, in the interest of food safety, of course, banned sales of the desserts. One might assume that some fellows have idle time on their hands and the powers that be want to stop non-government fundraisers for any event as all must come from “the state”.
George Soros, the Big Eared One and the lackeys in the congress have been raising a big furor over the AIG employees being paid their retention bonuses as set forth in their employment contracts. As should be obvious it is all an orchestrated distraction as the White House had Sen. Dodd (the Countrywide mortgage kid) specifically allow the bonus payments. Not talked about are the billions that were sent to foreign banks, etc. All this is part of the plan outlined by Saul Alinsky to create chaos and upset among the voters so those “in charge” can, while others are looking elsewhere, take control. Some may have read of Crystalnacht in Germany when Adolph, another great leader, speaker and communicator, was consolidating his power.
As part of “change” there were to be no more “earmarks” but the last bill that the messiah had passed had just under 9,000 of them to take care of “needy” buddies of various well-connected “public servants.” Of course, next time it will be different and the budget will be cut. But then, again, the old horse on “Animal Farm” was sent to the glue factory. Can euthanasia for the elderly be too far away? After all that would “save tax dollars” and their votes would no longer be needed anyway
The above and below articles from hur herald, Thanks Bob!
While there is now the highest unemployment since Jimmy Carter was in charge, Mrs. Pelosey wants to make sure that millions of illegal aliens are on hand “to do the work and soak up the government benefits”. She said those lawbreakers “were patriotic”. When one travels over the country one notes that many (and in some places most) that one sees working speak Spanish, Chinese, Hindi, etc. While many jobs require physical exertion, most of these jobs are not “the so called minimum wage jobs that American workers won’t do.” The problem is much more severe and needs to be addressed and not by being overrun by foreign invaders. The words, “jobs that Americans won’t do” generally is code language for farm workers. Since many of those jobs are “piece work”, good workers make respectable incomes, not “minimum wage”.
YES, I’M A BAD AMERICAN
I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare.
I am an American.
I am a Master Mason and believe in God.
I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!
I’m in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!
I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized,
and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God
when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and Willie G. Davidson that makes the Awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles
I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time watching or arguing about it.
I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you!
So, shut up already.
I believe if you don’t like the way things are here,
go back to where you came from and change your own country!
This is AMERICA .We like it the way it is!
If you were born here and don’t like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.
I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
And, no, I don’t mind having my face shown on my drivers license.
I think it’s good…. And I’m proud that ‘God’ is written on my money.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making ‘donations’ to their cause.
Get a Job and do your part!
I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I believe ‘illegal’ is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.
I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American
We want our country back!
THE TINY CABIN
A social worker from Boston recently was transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.Intrigued,she went up and knocked on the door.
‘Anybody home?’ she asked.
‘Yep,’came a kid’s voice through the door.’Is your father there?’asked the social worker.’Pa?
Nope,he left afore Ma came in,’said the kid.
‘Well,is your mother there?’ persisted the social worker.’Ma?
Nope,she left just afore I got here,’said the kid.
Thinking she had her first violation to report,she persisted,’But are you never together as a family?’
‘Sure,but not here,’said the kid through the door. ‘
This is the outhouse!’
Q) What do you call a guy standing beside the road with his hand up a horse’s ass?
A) An Amish mechanic
Q) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying ?
A) The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD
Some ‘dirtbag’ in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up ‘executing’ the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state wide manhunt ensued.
The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Now here’s the kicker:
Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68 times.. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel: ‘That’s all the bullets we had !!’ (Talk about an all-time classic answer !!!)
Justice Served. Bullets are much cheaper than 40 years of meals, cable and civil rights
~~EVERYONE ~~JUST RELAX !!
When was the last
time you saw a black guy keep a job for four years??
Now all my regular readers know I LIVE for comments, so leave one will ya?? The (damn)Duck will thank ya fer it!(I will too!)