COLD SNAP, (crackle & pop)
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Man, ya gotta know its cold when mamma calls fer help cause her… is stuck to the seat! Inside the house! Indoor plumbin’ n all! Went up to the farm to feed the barn(box)cats- they did’nt even come out to be fed,the mud season is past now- the winter world has a sound all it’s own- it sounds …..crunchy!and the weather sites all say it’s gonna stay REAL cold for the next week and a half and that opens up the old “how cold was it”- it was so cold the rabbitts n squirrels were throwin themselves at the electric fence! It was so cold grandpaws teeth were chatterin’ -in the glass.It was so cold – the Koffee kup restraunt was servin’ coffee on a stick.it was so cold- in court people with a traffic ticket would ask for the electric chair,it was so cold, local politicians had their hands in their own pockets, it was so cold, my mail broke when i opened it, it was so cold a snowman knocked on the door and asked could he sleep on the couch. it was so cold, moms had to switch to 5w-20 baby oil, it was so cold, moms ,rather than take em to school decided the youngun’s did’nt need an education, it was so cold, fleece is in style again, it was so cold, you could’nt find a heated argument anywhere, it was so cold, i saw an Amish family buying electric blankets, it was so cold, people were buying roasted chestnuts to put in their pants, yada, yada, yada, got any of these jokes- put ’em in the comments section below. Next- the cultural thermometer!
An annotated thermometer
60 – Californians put on sweaters
(if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 – Miami residents turn on the heat
40 – You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 – Italian cars don’t start
32 – Water freezes
30 – You plan your vacation to Australia
Minnesotans put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don’t start
Your boogers freeze
25 – Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 – You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 – French cars don’t start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 – Too cold to ski
You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 – You plan your vacation in Houston
American cars don’t start
0 – Alaskans put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate
-10 – German cars don’t start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 – You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 – Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don’t start
-25 – Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 – You plan a two week hot bath
The Mighty Monongahela freezes
Swedish cars don’t start
-40 – Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 – Congressional hot air freeze
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 – Hell freezes over
and of course
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?” “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?” “Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.” “How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”
and how bout this oneA marine, a sailor and a soldier were talking about how cold it was. The marine said it was so cold in Korea that once his boots froze to the snow, and he couldn’t move at all.
The sailor said it was so cold in Greenland that once when he went to take a leak, it froze as it came out leaving a yellow rainbow.
The soldier said that when he was in basic it was real cold, and once when he went to walk back to the barracks he felt something roll down his leg. He picked it up and took it into the barracks. He sat it on his foot locker, and in a little while he heard a noise coming from it—Brrurp. (Just a little fart).
and yet another i found
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: “Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.”
Nun: “I think that would be okay.”
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…
Nun: “Father, I’m terribly cold.”
Priest: “Okay, I’ll get you a blanket.” (He does)
Ten minutes later…
Nun: “Father, I’m still terribly cold.”
Priest: “Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket.” (He does)
Ten minutes later…
Nun: “Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.”
Priest: “You’re probably right…get up and get your own blanket.”
and one not cold weather related
SOME SIGNS YER GETTIN OLD
Everything hurts , and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work anyway.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You join a health club and don’t go.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is “25 years ago today!”
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
You’re 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Your back goes out more than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.
You are startled the first time you are addressed as “Old Timer”.
You answer automatically when someone addresses you “Old Timer.”
You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.
The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.
Hope all you folks stay warm!!