AYE- HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY!
Powered by WebRing®.
Aye and begorah! Tis a foin day ere in the (gettin’ very)Green state of West(by God!)Virginia! I’m sure most of you folks have yer traditional “Irish boiled dinner” already goin’ on the stove, the beer on ice and have blown the dust off that bottle of good Irish whiskey. But it’s OK, Kentucky whiskey is a very near thing. I am a little puzzeled though, I woulda thought there were more irish folks here in WV, but not much celebratin’ the St.Patts. Was’nt WV partly settled by Irish folks? This is the land for whiskey makers. Especially nowadays when all the lawmen are lookin’ for meth labs, weed growers, andother nefarious types. Would they even notice if someone started runnin’ a still in a lonely holler? Or is maybe yeast a prohibited item also used in meth makin’? On that note, there IS a link on the right to “makin’ a still” if ya feel so inclined. See, this is a full service webblog. Anyway- hope everyone has a great St. Patricks Day n all.
Don’t drink and drive(ya might spill some), havea great pattys party, and above all PLEASE no “watch this” today, and if ya do go agin my advice…. send pics!
On with the show! JOKES
A FEW IRISH JOKES
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone got’s to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?’
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
‘Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle
name. Leave it to me.’
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, ‘Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.’
‘Tell him to drop dead!’, says Murphy’s wife..
‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Gallagher.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp.
‘What happened to you?’ asks Sean, the bartender.
‘Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,’ says Paddy.
‘That little O’Conner,’ says Sean, ‘He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.’
‘That he did,’ says Paddy, ‘a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.’
‘Well,’ says Sean, ‘you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?’
That I did,’ said Paddy, ‘Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.’
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home20from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. ‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, ‘where have ya been?’
‘Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,’ slurs the drunk.
‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.’
‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.
‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’
‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the drunk. ‘for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.’
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, ‘So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?’
She says, ‘Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.’
The priest says, ‘Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?’
She says, ‘That he did, Father.’
The priest says, ‘What did he ask, Mary?’
She says, ‘He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, ‘Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.
Subj: IRISH GOLFER
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the
golfer’s ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,
‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.
‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.
‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’
‘Thank God, yo u’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything,
I’m just glad you’re OK,and I apologize.’
And the golfer walks off.
‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want…
a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive
into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says.
‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’
‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. ;I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’
‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’
‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’
‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’
C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?’
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’
‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock. ‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’
‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.’
There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history’s unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn’t bad enough, look at other things he produced:
An inflatable dartboard
A chocolate kettle
A soluble life-raft
A self-righting aspirin
A solar-powered torch
A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days,” he tells her. “Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly four stone. “Why that’s amazing,” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger you mean?” Asks the doctor.
“No,” replies the blonde, “from skipping.”
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. “Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”
“Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would,” she replies.
He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”
She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”
The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.”
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.” “That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”
Irish lass customer: “Could I be trying on that dress in the window?” Shopkeeper: “I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.”
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?” “No,” said himself, “but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.”
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A. A bachelor.
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin’ at that time? Finnegan: Waitin’ for me to come home.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. “Quick!” He said. “Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!” “Tell me, is this her first baby?” the intern asked. “No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’.”
“O’Ryan,” asked the druggist, “did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife’s appearance?” “It did surely,” replied O’Ryan, “but it keeps fallin’ off!”
A Kerryman went to London and found himself in the Underground late one night. Seeing a notice “DOGS MUST BE CARRIED ON THE ESCALATOR”, he moaned to himself, “And where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?”
What do you call a Kerryman on a bicycle?
A dope peddler.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them….they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”
So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, “Now go out and play.”
When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, “What religion do you think we are? We’re not Katlick, because they pour the water.” ” We’re not Babdist because they dunk all of you.” “We’re not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you.” The littlest one said, “Can’t you tell by the smell of that baptismal water what we are?…….Why, we’re Pisscopalians.”
My god! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
“I got in a tiff with Riley.”
“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said surprised.
“He must have had something in his hand.”
“That he did,” Kelly said. “A shovel it was.”
“Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”
“Aye, that I did–Mrs. Riley’s left breast.” Kelly said. “And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!”
Jimmy-Joe finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks “Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like”
Jimmy-Joe scratches his head, then answers “A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. “Granted master” retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. Jimmy-Joe was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. “Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?” “You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle” he asks the Genies. “Well, for my final two wishes, I’d like another two of them”
An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle.The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Englishman is thinking “Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me.”
The girl is thinking, “That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped.”
The Irishman is thinking, “If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!
Thank you Patrick Dennis for this submission.
“Tell me, Patrick, how did you manage to get so very drunk last night?” asked the parish priest.
“Well you see, Father, it was like this. I got into very bad company after winning a bottle of whiskey at a raffle.”
“But you were with Mick Mulligan, Sean O’Toole, and Peter Ryan and they don’t drink.”
“Dat’s what I mean, Father…”
and here ya hafta use yer brain;
Sign in an Irish pub:
“This establishment closes at 11 o’clock sharp. We are open from 10 a.m. until 11 p.m. and if you haven’t had enough to drink at that hour the management feels that you haven’t really been trying.” ———————————————-
O’Connell was staggering home with a small bottle of Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought, “I’m not hiring that lazy Mick…” so he decided to set a test for Murphy hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions, and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, Without using numbers, represent the number 9. Murphy says, “Dats easy” and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, “What the hell is that?” Murphy says “Tree ‘n tree n’ tree makes nine”. Fair enough, says the boss.
Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir” he says. The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” Murphy says, “each tree’s dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, n’ dirty tree n’ dirty tree, dats 99.”
The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire him, so he says, “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100”. Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, “I got it!” he makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “There ya go sir. 100.” The boss looks at Murphy’s attempt and thinks, Ha! Got him this time. “Go on Murphy, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred.”
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, and dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes a hundred, when do I start my job?”
Three Irish guys go into a pub, have a few pints and are ready to leave and pay their tab. The bar back brings them a bill for exactly £30.00. Each guy gives him a tenner, and they leave.
When the bar back hands the £30.00 to the bartender, he is told a mistake was made. The bill was only £25.00, not £30.00. The bartender gives the bar back five £1.00 notes and tells him to take it back to the 3 Irish guys.
On their way out of the pub, the bar back has a thought… these guys did not give him a tip. (Editor’s note: yes, I know they do not generally tip in Ireland, please just play along…) He figures that since there is no way to split £5.00 evenly three ways anyhow, he will keep two pounds for himself and give them back three pounds.
OK! So far so good!
He taps one of the guys on the shoulder and explains about a mix up in the bill, and hands the guy the three pounds, then departs with his two-pound tip in his pocket.
Now the fun begins!
Remember £30-£25=£5 Right? £5-£3=£2 Right?
So what’s the problem?
All is well, right?
Not quite… Answer this:
Each of the three guys originally gave £10.00 each.
They each got back £1.00 in change.
That means they paid £9.00 each, which times three is £27.00.
The delivery boy kept £2.00 for a tip.
£27.00 plus £2.00 equals £29.00.
Where the heck is the other pound??????????
and this final bit of Irish wisdom;
Morning is the time to pity the sober. The way they’re feeling then is the best they’re going to feel all day.
Thats it for this foin day- check back during the day, I wil be adding the graphics, and some more jokes!
May the wind always be at yer back and the sun on yer shoulder.
HEY! How about a few comments, ya don’t want the demise of the duck(damn duck!) on yer head, do ya?